Q: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months. The first 6 months were excellent, but the last two have been hell. He neglects me, and never touches me. Sex is no more, and he gets mad when I try to touch him or be passionate with him. I ask him if he’s unattached to me or if he’s annoyed, and he says no and assures to me his love is true. I just don’t know, he cringes when I try to hug or kiss him, we never have sex, and he never tells me I'm beautiful or even if something’s wrong... I just don’t know where to turn and I'm getting really depressed and bothered. I love him so much, but I'm so lost. Please help!
Klara

A: Dear Klara, I can understand why you’re so depressed and concerned - something is definitely wrong in your relationship, regardless of what your boyfriend is saying. Physical contact, intimacy, affection and passion are all part of a healthy, growing romance. The fact that your man is cringing when you touch him is a serious sign that he may be having second thoughts, has emotionally checked-out of the relationship or feels the relationship isn’t what he thought it was going to be. There could be a dozen reasons why he is acting this way, but basically he is NOT invested in your happiness and the success of the relationship. If he was, he would do more to make sure you were both happy and getting what you need, physically and emotionally.

Please sit down and talk to him. Ask him these “Relationship Tune-up” questions:
1. Are you getting what you want in our relationship?
2. Are you getting what you need?
3. Are you happy with where our relationship is going?
4. What would you like to see changed, if anything?

Listen to his answers and watch his reactions. This is very important – if he refuses to have this conversation, then he is NOT emotionally involved, things won’t improve and/or he’ll eventually leave. If he does want to fix the problems, please set up a game plan to work on together, or seek outside help.

Please remember, it takes TWO people to make a relationship succeed, and if he won’t work on creating a wonderful relationship with you, then it is time to bless and release this man. The loneliest place to be is in a loveless relationship with someone who treats you like you‘re not there – regardless of what he says. How he treats you is 10 times more important than his words. You deserve to be loved and treated well – accept nothing less!



Q: I am in love with a woman that fulfills every need and wish that I have; sexually, emotionally, and every other way possible. But I keep getting hung up on something I can’t seem to get past; something in her past. When she was 17 she lost her virginity to someone 23 yrs. older than her. And although she didn't have a lot of sex partners, she has been committed for 20 yrs. to someone 15 yrs. older than her. She and I are 6 yrs. apart; have a lot in common, etc. etc. as I explained. Although I have a ‘worst’ past in terms of number of partners etc. this issue upsets me. Am I being stupid considering we are so good together and I am happier with her than I have ever been? How do I get past this if I am?
Thanks...
Frank
P.S. I am 50, she is 44

A: Dear Frank, Yes, you are seriously sabotaging something that is, by your description, wonderful and fulfilling. Stop it!! This kind of romance DOESN’T happen everyday, and you should be grateful for the love and connection you two have.

EVERY person over the age of 2 has a past – EVERYONE. Some have pasts that are PC and “traditional”, while others are more avant-garde, experimental, or non-traditional. Why does something that happened 27 years ago bother you so? And the fact that she was with someone who was quite a bit older than her obviously bothers you unrealistically. What is it about the age difference that pushes YOUR buttons? I feel that is the real issue here – NOT her romantic past - that was another lifetime for her. Age difference for so many people is just a number – it’s the person inside they are having the romance with.

How do you get over it? Gratitude and appreciation for a fabulous romance that so many others only dream of and letting go of your judgments. The only outcome a judgment like that guarantees is a solo life – and I know you don’t want that! Enjoy what you have and stop looking back.



Q: I met this guy through my work back in March, he seemed interested in me and he asked for my phone number. He has not called me as yet. I have access to his phone number and address do you think it would be a good idea to write him a quick "hello" note? I do not feel comfortable calling him. Or do you think I should just leave this alone.
Megan

A: Dear Megan, If a man took your phone number months ago and hasn’t called, it is best that you move on and leave this one alone. He might have met someone else, or reconnected with someone from his past, having nothing to do with his original interest in you. Regardless, if he hasn’t bothered to call you, you deserve better.

Most men will walk across broken glass to get to someone they are interested in, so please don’t waste any more time wondering about him. There are so many wonderful men out there who will give you the time and attention you deserve, so please be good to yourself and allow someone new into your life.



Q: Dear TM, I have a boyfriend of 4 months that I care about, but am not remaining faithful to in my actions. I began dating a guy on the side who frequents my workplace often. I am 19 and this guy is 36 with 3 kids and he is divorced. Although he sounds like a typical mid-life crisis creep - he is not. I am really interested in getting to know him, but don’t want to loose a good thing with my boyfriend. Last night I kissed this new man and it felt great. This would be the 2nd time I have cheated on him in 2-3 months.
Mary-Michelle

A: Dear Mary-Michelle, I believe in something completely, “Actions speak louder than Words.” Unfortunately your actions don’t match-up with your words – how could you really care about your boyfriend and continue to cheat on him? I feel you should NOT be in a relationship with someone if you are interested in someone else, regardless of the length of time you’ve been together.

One of the most selfish things anyone can do is keep their partner ‘on the string’ while trying to figure out if another person is a good deal or not. Both men and women do this, and I feel it is horribly wrong regardless of the reasons.

If you feel the other man is someone you want to get to know and explore your options, be honest with your current boyfriend NOW. Don’t string him along – he doesn’t deserve that. Be true to yourself, your boyfriend and this potential new man by being authentic and above-board. Would you want someone doing this to you?